Rite of Passage
by Lyssa
Summary: "You're never truly a man until you've had your heart broken by a woman."


"There must come a moment when all your mirrors turn into windows. That is the moment of growing up. The adolescent looks inward; the adult can look outward."

---Pamela Franklin

Childhood is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. My childhood was spent as part of a team, first as a Flying Grayson and then as Robin, Batman's partner. Half of it was spent flying through the air, the other in a cave beneath the ground. Split between highwires and rooftops, cheering crowds and swearing crooks, bright shining lights and deep consuming darkness. My childhood didn't end when I got my license, or when I was eighteen, or even when I was old enough to drink. No, the beginning of the end of my childhood started before those milestones were ever reached. Dad used to say, "You're never truly a man until you get your heart broken by a woman." Funny how your parents are always right about things.

We had just stomped a jewel thief. He'd been especially clever, a difficult one to catch. It was one of those fun cases that you're glad to work on. No children involved, no murder or abuse; just plain old robbery and enough of a fight to get the adrenaline flowing. 

Barbara and I always worked well together. Not as fluidly as Bruce and I, but a solid unit. Watching her in action was almost distracting. What she lacked in technique, she made up for in style and enthusiasm. At times I was tempted to just sit back and let her beat the bad guys. I'm sure she would have welcomed the challenge.

We settled in our usual spot, an alcove atop Wayne Tower. We often met there to discuss strategy, or to just talk. Batman was out of the country on Bruce Wayne business, so I didn't have anywhere to be but with Barbara. She scooted in beside me and then flashed me a grin. I knew she still the rush of adrenaline and excitement from the fight. I was the first to speak.

"Whomped 'em pretty good huh?"

Babs leaned back and stretched. I tried my best to be a gentleman and not stare.

"Definitely," she said, with a smug smile.

"I thought I would bust up laughing when you tied that guy upside down to that pole."

"I know! And then he kept screaming, 'Let me down, let me down, my head will explode!!'" Barbara and I laughed. It was so easy to make fun of the criminals once the threat was over. Barbara let out a long sigh.

"Whew. What a wuss. By the way Short Pants, I win."

"You do not!"

"I do too. I handled three more baddies than you did."

"Three isn't that much," I grumbled. 

"It's enough. You would have gotten more if you weren't showing off with all that fancy cartwheel stuff."

I knew she was just trying to get my goat, she always was a bit jealous that I was a better gymnast than she was. Sometimes the teasing worked and a mini argument would ensue, but that night I was in too good of a mood to take the bait. I leaned back next to her.

"That fancy cartwheel stuff saved your sorry butt from getting clocked with a tire iron."

Barbara's sassy grin turned into a soft smile.

"I know. Thanks Boy Wonder."

She leaned over and kissed me lightly on the lips.

It wasn't the first time. Barbara was naturally affectionate and even more so as Batgirl. It seemed to me that her mask let her be more open than she was out of costume. Not that she wasn't always professional, but when we were alone she was apt to give tight hugs or quick excited smacks on the cheek or lips. Though they were only friendly shows of affection, I savored each one. They fueled the fantasies that kept me up late at night, fantasies I never had the nerve enough to try and make come true.

But this kiss was different. Maybe it was the excitement of the night, but there was something else mixed in with the gratitude and affection behind it. That little something was enough for me to become brave and bring my hand up to her face and deepen the kiss. In the space of a heartbeat I felt her stiffen in surprise and then return it. 

A second later she pulled away, but I knew I had felt her respond, I *knew* it. We stared off in silence for a few long awkward moments. I started to question my actions. Had I gone too far? Was I wrong, did I cross some invisible line? Why wasn't she saying anything?? Finally she spoke, her voice soft and unsteady.

"Wow, Short Pants. Did they teach you that in Gotham Academy or does that come natural?" 

"Dammit Barbara." 

I stood and walked a few feet away, my back to her. Embarrassment and fury coursed through me like liquid fire. With one sentence she had made me feel like a fumbling child. I stood there so long that I thought maybe she had left; but I could still hear her breathing and the soft rustle of her cape as she shifted.

I thought about just shooting off my line and swinging away from the building, Barbara and my humiliation. I was just about to do so when I felt her hand on my shoulder. I flinched and she sighed and dropped her arm.

"I...I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I didn't know, I-" 

I cut her off, still facing the Gotham skyline.

"How could you not know? I find every excuse to spend time with you. I make up reasons for you to help me with homework that I understand better than you. I offer to teach you moves just so I can be near you! I bend over backwards to impress *you*! How could you *not* know?"

My voice rose as I spoke, getting louder and more furious until I was almost shouting. Years of frustration and pain rose to the surface. Years of being as obvious as I dared, of waiting for just to right moment to tell her how I felt and never getting it, years of wanting. 

"I...I don't know. I'm sorry Robin," Barbara sounded stunned. She'd rarely seen me angry and she'd certainly never been the focus of that anger. I spun around.

"No. *Not* Robin. That was *me* kissing you! Dick!"

I reached up and ripped off my eye mask, grimacing as the spirit gum pulled at my skin. Barbara softly gasped. I was breaking one of our major rules, but I didn't care. I yanked off my gloves and then slowly pulled off Barbara's mask, revealing those clear green cat eyes that fascinated me so much. 

"Dick and Barbara," I said. "Not Robin and Batgirl."

She caught my hand as I reached up to touch her face.

"Dick...if I was 15 I'd be swooning right now. But I'm an adult and I have to act like one and use my head on this. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have kissed you. It was wrong."

"It didn't feel wrong."

"Dick, you're 16. You're too young."

"I'm old enough to risk my neck every night chasing criminals around the city. I'm old enough to be a leader of a group that's fought some of the most dangerous villains in the world. I'm also old enough to know how I feel. Don't patronize me Barbara," I said firmly. All the anger had drained out of me and left me bone-tired, but I still refused to be treated like a child. 

She stepped closer, her eyes starting to look unnaturally bright. In any other circumstances, I would have cut off my arm rather than make her cry. But this was too long coming. Everything I'd kept bottled up needed to be said.

"I'm not being patronizing Dick, I'm just telling you how things are! You are more mature than most grown men I know, but you're still underage. If I show any type of romantic or sexual feelings for you, that makes me a pedophile and a pervert!"

I yanked a hand through my hair. I heard every word she was saying, but in my childish arrogance, I chose to ignore them. Something about the way she said that last sentence have me hope. I closed the gap between us and took her hand in mine and held it to my chest. She tried to pull away, but it was a half-hearted attempt. We stood there like that for a few heartbeats. Barbara broke the silence with a choked sob, her tears finally spilling over. 

"Please Dick. You've had to grow up so fast. Don't rush something like this. You deserve a girl your age."

She grasped my hand as she spoke, a tearful tremor underscoring every word. Something inside me stabbed at my chest as I watched her cry. I'd never seen her like this and it shamed me to be the cause, but at the same time I felt a thrill. She hadn't denied any feelings for me, yet she didn't admit them either. As she pleaded with me to hold on to my childhood, I knew *something* was there. 

I reached up with my free hand and ran my fingers along the side of her neck, letting them settle just under her hair. She closed her eyes and bit her lip.

"Barbara. I know what laws and morals and Bruce and your father and everybody else say. I know what I feel for you is supposed to be wrong, but I don't care. Something like this, that I've felt for *so* long, can't be immoral. I refuse to believe that. You go through enough shit in your life and you learn to hang on to what feels good. You feel good to me Barbara. Loving you feels good to me."

Her eyes widened as we both realized what I had just said. I plunged on, know I'd gone too far to go back now.

"I love you Barbara. Please, let me love you."

My voice hitched as I finally spoke out loud what I'd felt almost since I'd laid eyes on her. We stood there on that chilly roof, our bodies a breath away and I said,

"Please. If you don't feel the same, tell me to go away. Tell me you don't love me...and I'll leave."

I leaned in closer to her. She shook her head from side to side and whispered, "I can't, I can't...." over and over again so softly I almost didn't hear her. Not sure what she meant, I moved in even closer and pressed her mouth to mine and my heart stopped.

We stood there, clinging to each other for what seemed an eternity. Barbara gave in with a kind of sweet surrender and I took everything she offered. I told her with that kiss what I couldn't with words. I poured out all my loneliness and pain and want and need into that one kiss. 

Finally we pulled apart and stood with our foreheads touching, still wrapped up in each other and gasping for air. Barbara was shaking, as was I. I needed *something* from her, something I couldn't quite define. I couldn't think. All I knew was I'd never felt anything so all-consuming in my entire life. Everything else faded into the background and all that was left was this beautiful woman and a sense of happiness I hadn't felt in a long time. Barbara's next words shattered everything.

"Go away Dick."

I didn't comprehend what she was saying and reached for her again. She stepped back a few feet, her voice taking on a harder tone.

"You have to go away Dick. This was wrong and it can't happen again."

I was crushed. I felt as if I'd been floating, and then suddenly, I was plummeting from those dizzying heights into despair. Somehow, I knew that I'd ruined our friendship that night and it would never be the same. Though I had little experience, I knew for certain from our kiss that she'd felt everything I felt, that she loved me too. I know now that the difference between us was that she had loved me enough to keep our relationship a friendship, so that I wouldn't be hurt by something she knew could never happen. I, on the other hand, was selfish. I wanted her and damn the consequences. I know that *now*, but *then* I only knew that she was breaking my heart. So I got mean. 

"No Barbara. *You* go. I'm not going to be the one to ruin this. If you don't care about me enough and aren't brave enough to overlook people's opinion of you, then you go. And don't think I'll come running back when I'm "old enough" for you."

If she was going to be noble and sacrifice us for other's ideals, I wasn't going to make it easy on her. I steeled myself, defiant in my anger. We stood and stared at each other, our eyes begging the other's not to do this. Finally Barbara turned and walked towards the ledge. "She's leaving," I thought wildly, unable to believe she could actually go. I ran after her, catching her arm.

"Barbara. I love you."

She squeezed her eyes shut and held them for a moment. Then she opened them and pulled on her mask. Smiling sadly at me, she reached up and brushed my hair back from my forehead.

"I know Dick. But you can't."

She then shot off her line and swung out into the darkness.

With surprisingly steady hands, I reapplied my mask and pulled on my gloves. I gave her another few minutes head start and then shot off my own hook. I told myself I'd patrol for another hour and then I'd go home to my bed at Wayne Manor. Then, and only then, would I allow myself to cry. 


End file.
